Life will never be in my hands.

wow, it has def been awhile since i wrote on here. excuse my absence. ha but life has been crazy and maybe i just didn't want to write about it because i would have to face my reality. which is not something i am very good at. life is just falling apart right now and everything is colliding at one time making decisions the shouldn't be hard the hardest decision i have ever made. so i working at a small doctors office as an administrative assistant, and that fell through last thursday. long story short i was sick on monday. i woke up with no voice & while i was in the shower i could barely stand up & i was nausea. so thursday the doctor of the office (owner) talked to me && told me i lied and planned my 3 day weekend, which is not at all true. while he was talking to me, he said he believed me and that i was a great asset to the office, a hard worker, and i have really proved to him that could help out the office. BUT when i get back from my lunch break, the MD is not there he has left for the day, && the witch of the office the office manager pulls me into her office && says that the doctor is very angry and he thinks i lied, and because of that i was fired. REALLY. i mean come on. first of all, i need the money && with all the other issues that go on in that office why would i even try to pull something like that. beats me. but my mom said, i wasn't suppose to be there anyways && i shouldn't have continued to work there from the very beginning (which is another long story). but i sucked up my pride && continued to work there because i needed a job. then on friday, the job that i had interviewed for over two weeks ago. the job that i was told i had from the very beginning and even on thursday afternoon, i was told that she was sending out my offer letter && that i needed to set up an appointment to do my health screening. well on friday, she called && i didn't get the job because i was going to go to school in the near future (a year or so) and i totally understand that but why keep dragging it out, why not decide that before you put me through all this stupid crap. but why would they even care? people don't.

so because of all this crap in such a small few days. and during these last few days all i've been doing is crying, i finally decided to press the accept button to go to PA school at EVMS in January. Nick finally decided to support my decision, but i am so scared. my heart is full of pain right now, and i am trying not to let it be seen. everytime i look at him i cry inside, because i don't want to be away from him for 27 months. that is such a long time. i don't want to not have date night, and get starbucks coffee before he goes to work, && watch all of our TV shows together. that makes me so sad. i don't want to put off spending the rest of my life with him. i am trying to be excited, but i'm not. i am so sad... on the other hand i am hoping that i get an interview at GWU, which would start in may and it would be right around the corner. i want that more than anything. and something is telling me to wait for that offer. i have full capability to get an offer there even next year, i just have to be patient. the one thing i do know, is that finishing my education is what i need to do in order to be fully satisfied with my life. i have had this goal since high school, why would i want to give it up now when i have the ability to go. that's where i have to come to grasp reality. it's really happening to me. i got into school all on my own. so why would i give that up? is that even normal? everyone is telling me to go to school, and if Nick and I are meant to be we will be. but i don't necessarily believe that to the true extent. certain circumstances are ideal for the individuals, not the individuals.

but atleast i pressed the button. i now have more time to decide on what i truly want. God has a plan, I just don't know what that is yet.

love.