Worn out

It has def. been awhile since I have written in here, but again I am going to try and start writing in here on a semi-regular basis. i need an outlet, somewhere where i can talk about whats on my mind and no one can judge me, yet alone me even judge myself.

"The man declares, I am weary; O God; I am weary; Oh God, and worn out." -- Proverbs 30:1

its crazy that while i was growing up i was always wishing and wanting the next phase of my life to get here. in elementary school i wanted middle school. in middle school i wanted high school, so that i could drive and go out on dates. in high school i wanted my freedom, so i longed for college. and in college i longed for it to be over so that i could spread my wings and become part of the 'real' world. but now that i am here, i am not sure what i 'want'. but i do know that what i 'want' at this point in time is to be happy. happy with myself for who i have become and where i am heading, but also happy with the people that i have met along the way, and who have helped me become who i am today.

this whole journey is a tough one, and i really don't think that it is ever going to get any easier, UNLESS i fully put my faith and trust in God. that is where i struggle. i try to take on this big world all by myself. i try to take on my struggles with school, nick, my family, financial issues, and friends.

my entire life i have never really had that many close friends. i know that i had close friends, but we all went in our own directions over time. its kind of sad to look back and see what kind of friendship we had, and only wonder why it fizzled out. i have a select few close friends these days, but i guess only a couple are close enough where they call me just to check up on me, or say they were thinking about me just because. i keep looking for those 'so-called' friends. but i really just need to look to God for that friendship, because only He will full-fill it with the love, compassion, laughter, sincerity (and the list goes on and on) that i need as a woman, student, daughter, friend, and girlfriend. i truly want to find happiness in what i have and not what i want. i don't need to be the most liked person. i need to be confident. and that is what i am going to strive to do.

Lord I am worn out. I need your help. I can't do it on my own; for I am going to put my faith and trust in you alone. I love you.

-a