on.my.heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” 
declares the LORD."

this post is not to drown anyone with my sorrows or my pain, but an outlet for me to write what i am feeling -- because for me writing it down helps me a million ways.

i really don't even know where to begin because there is so much on my heart -- so much pain, hurt, frustration, anxiety, sadness, anxiousness, stress, fear. it seems like everyday there is something new that comes into my life that i don't know how to handle. i keep wondering is it ever going to end, will i ever get to rest my heart/brain/mind/soul. sometimes i don't think that i am strong enough to do what i am doing. & what i mean by that is keep putting on this happy face that really isn't there as often as i make it seem. sometimes i just break down and cry & hope that someone hears me. but then what good would that do me.  it is not them that can help me it's me giving up my pain & suffering and handing it over to the Lord. 

everyday seems to be a struggle. i am sad & i am looking for all of my happiness in the wrong places -- my boyfriend, materialistic things, friends, school, family, money, satisfaction, want, desire, THE WORLD. the only person that can fill me & make me whole is Christ alone. when am i going to figure that out? 

the last 5 years of my life have been the hardest i ever had to go through. it is always one thing after another. a new obstacle, an new learning experience, something that i think will help better me in the end -- but then it happens again & i just don't get it. when do i get to be happy!? 

when am i going to get enough sleep so that i won't be irritable? when do i get to have best friends, that really are the BESTEST of friends. one's who don't judge me for who i am not or even who i am but friends who want to help better me into becoming a better woman, friend, girlfriend, image of Christ? when will i learn to be happy for someone else & not be envious of them? when will i learn to accept myself for who i am? when will i learn to be happy with the decision that i made to go to school? when will i learn to be content in my knowledge & that school is suppose to be hard? when will i learn that this 27 months of my life away from my boyfriend is temporary & forever with him is right around the corner? when will i learn to not get upset at the little things that Nick is not doing for me, but instead learn to {love} & {notice} the little things that he is doing for me? when will i learn to {love} better -- not only my boyfriend, family, & friends, but myself? when will i learn to not be so hard on myself? when will i learn to enjoy life as i have been given it?

ill tell you when:
The Lord.
He knows my fears, my sadness, my happiness, my heart.
He knows my everyday before i do.
He  knows my future.
& i  need to give it over to Him 
in order for me to get there the right way. 


Jeremiah 29:11-13
speaks wonders to my heart. & that is where i need to put my faith.
scripture. His Word. prayer.Christ alone.



side-note:
 my little brother Aaron just got back from a week of traveling all over Atlanta Georgia with 50 other teenage students from my church.  They performed a 2 hour singing & dancing event to men & women in detention centers, half-way homes, & jails. the skits and songs were revolved around sharing & telling these people about Christ. he told me that at one of the women's detention centers, at the end of the performance every single woman in that place was standing up singing & dancing. he also said that were there so many women that came forward to accept Christ as their Lord & Savior that there were not enough young teenage girls there to help pray with them. so every one teenage girl had about 5 or 6 women from the detention center at one time. that is CRAZY! but my little brother is only 17 & the shyest kid around {more than me. ha} & i am so proud of him. he inspires me. he is so in {love} with the Lord. i just thought i would share this because it makes me smile :]

here is one of the songs they performed. it is not actually them. but they performed this song Everything by LifeHouse.

 my